Thursday, April 20, 2017

Gabrielle and Lydia

I wrote this short story for the 2017 Toronto Star Short Story Contest and while I didn't win, I am still really proud of the way it turned out so I thought I'd share it on my blog.

I may one day elaborate on the story and turn it into a novella or novel, but for now, this is Gabrielle and Lydia's story:


The sun was setting behind her as the woman walked east through the forest. She was distracted thinking about little Gabrielle waiting for her at home when she first heard the cry. She followed the muffled sound further into the forest, the trees growing denser as she made her way towards the area of the forest that seldom received sunlight. She climbed down the slippery moss covered rocks and saw a boy sitting by himself in the distance surrounded by breadcrumbs. He smiled at her and reached for her with his short chubby fingers saying “up” as she got closer. He couldn’t have been more than two years old. He was alone. His clothes were covered in dirt and his foul smell told her that he had been alone for some time. She hugged him close and made her way home towards her waiting husband and Gabrielle. She smiled. Gabrielle, her little Gabrielle, was now a younger sister. This boy was her responsibility; she could feel it in her soul. As she crossed the boundary of the forest a breeze swept through pushing her hair into her face and a voice whispered “Henry” into her ear. She looked at the little boy and knew this was Henry. She looked at Henry and she knew that he was hers.

●                      ●                      ●

Gabrielle laughed as she ran away from her brother Henry. She’d been hiding in his room all afternoon ready to ambush him with water balloons when he entered. He wasn’t far behind now yelling profanities at her. At first she hid behind a small bush but it was no use, she couldn’t stop laughing, he would find her immediately. Suddenly she knew where to hide. She would climb a tree. It was perfect; he would never think to look for her in the sky. She smiled to herself as she started climbing. This was her favourite time of day; she and Henry had completed their chores and school work, their mother was inside cooking dinner the smell wafting out the window towards them, and her father would soon be home from work.

She was halfway up the tree when she noticed the thin stream of smoke coming from the forest. She leaned forward to get a closer look, almost falling out of the tree. She was confused; no one went into the forest, not anymore. It wasn’t safe. It had been fifteen years since her mother brought Henry home and fifteen years since anyone had dared to enter the forest. Eventually Gabrielle’s curiosity got the better of her; her brother’s threats were quickly forgotten as she slowly began climbing down the tree to enter the forest and find the source of the smoke. In the distance she could hear Henry calling her name but she ignored him as she walked the half mile towards the trees.

She was surprised by how dense the trees were. She could feel the dampness as she moved through the path, carefully stepping over moss covered rocks and decrepit tree stumps. Before too long the noises of the outside world faded away and silence began to consume her. It was in this stillness that Gabrielle remembered her mother’s warnings about the forest.

Fifteen years ago when her mother found Henry abandoned and alone, people travelled through the forest every day; they picked berries from the bushes, chopped wood for fires on cold nights and hunted the animals living in the depths. That all changed the week after Henry became her brother. Henry had been found alone so a search party was sent into the woods the following day to look for his family, or any other survivors. In the light of a new day, the forest seemed colder, darker and harsher, the unfriendliness and danger almost palpable. Eleven men entered the woods that day, only one returned and he refused to explain what happened or where the other men had gone. Rumours and superstitions eventually spread and by the time Gabrielle was six most believed a witch was responsible for the death of the men, as well as the disappearance of Henry’s family.

Gabrielle had walked for about fifteen minutes when she saw the first sign of movement. Through the trees she could just barely make out the shape of a deer, next to the deer was the most beautiful girl Gabrielle had ever seen. She was carrying a basket full of fruit and vegetables and it looked like she was talking to the deer. Her movements were graceful, she floated more than walked and Gabrielle was immediately mesmerized. She started to walk towards the girl when she stepped on a branch. The crack echoed in the quiet of the forest and Gabrielle quickly ducked before she was seen. She held her breath, afraid to move. After a few minutes Gabrielle nervously peaked over the bushes. She could no longer see the girl or the deer. She quickly turned around and ran home as fast as possible.

It was three days before Gabrielle could escape back into the woods. She tried to take the same path as last time but, after walking in circles for what felt like ten minutes, she scolded herself for not having left some kind of marker to follow. With slumped shoulders she turned to make her way back home when she heard a faint melody in the distance. Gabrielle followed the sound to a small creek where she could see the girl singing while she washed some fruit. The girl suddenly fell silent and, as though she could feel Gabrielle’s presence, she turned, smiled and offered Gabrielle an apple. Gabrielle accepted the gift and sat next to the girl who started singing and washing again. The two girls didn’t speak much that afternoon. Gabrielle told her about her parents and Henry, leaving out the part where her mother found him abandoned in these very woods. The girl, whose name was Lydia, explained that she had lived in the woods alone for just over a year. Her mother had passed away the year before and she was excited to have company. Gabrielle couldn’t help but notice the sadness when she told Lydia that she had to go home, but Lydia’s smile when Gabrielle promised she would come back the next afternoon made her blush. She didn’t know why she felt so drawn to Lydia, but knowing she had made her happy filled Gabrielle with pride.

The next afternoon Gabrielle waited until Henry was distracted to make her escape into the forest. She had stolen a loaf of freshly baked bread and some honey and she was excited to treat Lydia. She followed the markers Lydia had mentioned the day before and after twenty minutes she came across a beautiful hut that had smoke coming out the little chimney. Gabrielle nervously knocked on the door and smiled when Lydia opened it and invited her in. Lydia accepted the bread and honey, putting them on the table before handing Gabrielle a basket. She explained that they were going to pick berries. Lydia had baked venison and roasted vegetables and was going to make berry tarts for dessert. The girls headed out the door, Gabrielle following Lydia towards the bushes. She snuck glances at Lydia between picking berries and couldn’t help but smile to herself as the butterflies continued to grow.

The lunch that Lydia prepared was delicious and the girls continued to get to know one another while they ate. Lydia was only two years older than Gabrielle but, since it had only been her and her mother growing up, she had learned to cook when she was only eight. Gabrielle told stories of her and her brother growing up, the games they played, the jokes they told, the secrets they kept and the tricks they played on one another. Lydia listened intently, laughing at the right moments while masking her loneliness. The girls continued to share stories for hours, it wasn’t until the sun started to set that Gabrielle realized that afternoon had given way to evening and she’d have to hurry home before her parents started to worry. With a wave and an impromptu hug, Gabrielle raced through the forest and back home.

A few months after their initial meeting, Lydia announced that she was taking Gabrielle fishing. She handed Gabrielle an old pair of boots and a fishing rod and started walking towards the lake in the east end of the forest. Stunned Gabrielle clutched the rod and boots in her hands and took off after Lydia. The girls entered the clearing and Lydia began showing Gabrielle how to bait the hook and cast her line. Lydia brought pieces of cooked meat as bait. The girls laughed at Gabrielle’s failed first effort; in her attempt to cast the line, she hooked the grass behind her. Eventually Gabrielle figured it out and by the end of the afternoon she had caught two fish and had even learned to bait her own hook, but what she remembered most was the hug that Lydia had given her when she'd caught that first fish. She’d closed her eyes and inhaled the wild scent that she had begun to associate with Lydia. Gabrielle proudly carried the fish back to the hut laughing while explaining that she was going to cook it but when the girls got back to the hut, the games and laughs were over and Gabrielle again had to leave to make it home for dinner with her family.

With every visit, it became harder and harder to say goodbye to Lydia.  On the walk home she contemplated telling her family about Lydia, but realized she would then need to admit that she had been in the forest. She knew they wouldn’t believe her that there was no witch and the thought of no longer seeing Lydia made her panic. She had once asked Lydia about leaving the forest but Lydia dismissed the idea; she was wild now, it had been too long since she’d been around people. The forest was her home, and she hoped that home could still include Gabrielle.

It was just over a year before Lydia took Gabrielle hunting for the first time. After asking her for the one hundredth time if she was sure she wanted to go, Gabrielle picked up the bow and arrow and headed out the door as her response. Lydia followed and the girls walked deep into the forest where the trees were dense and the silence was palpable. Gabrielle’s breath hitched when Lydia reached behind her and showed her how to hold the bow. She could feel Lydia’s breath on the back of her neck as she whispered instructions. Gabrielle’s heart was beating so loudly she was sure Lydia could hear it. Her hands were shaking and it had nothing to do with hunting. Gabrielle stood frozen, shaking, with her back against Lydia’s chest, she could feel Lydia’s quick breaths and her beating heart and she knew she couldn’t stay any longer. She dropped the bow, turned to apologize to Lydia and, through tears, ran home and locked herself in her bedroom.

Eventually Henry knocked on her door to tell her that dinner was ready but Gabrielle couldn’t face the world yet. She was confused and scared by her feelings but mostly she was scared that admitting them would mean losing Lydia. Lydia was more than a best friend and confidant, she was Gabrielle’s future. She was everything. Suddenly Gabrielle needed to see her again and she couldn’t wait until morning. As soon as her parents and Henry were asleep she snuck out of the house and into the forest. She didn’t stop running until she had reached the hut and, after taking a deep breath, she knocked. Lydia slowly opened the door and before she could say anything Gabrielle grabbed her and kissed her. It was tentative at first, almost asking for permission, but when Lydia didn’t pull away, the passion that had been building for months exploded and the kiss deepened. Gabrielle felt Lydia’s hands running down her back, pulling her closer; she gasped as Lydia started kissing down her neck, playfully biting at her jaw. The girls finally separated and looked at one another breathlessly. Gabrielle started to tell Lydia that she been dreaming about this for a while when she noticed that Lydia was no longer looking at her, but rather looking past her. “Who’s that” Lydia asked before Gabrielle heard Henry scream from behind her. She had never seen Henry so enraged. “What are you doing Gabrielle? Is this where you have been sneaking off to for the last year? Is this why you’ve been ignoring your family? For a witch?!” Before Gabrielle could explain, Henry lunged at Lydia and grabbed her arm. Instinctively Gabrielle shoved Henry and stood in front of Lydia to protect her. Henry looked betrayed as he started backing away stumbling on a tree stump behind him.  He hit his head on a rock as he fell backwards and lay motionless in front of the girls. Gabrielle ran towards him but she was too late, he was gone. Gabrielle cried as she held her brother, the forest that had given him to her had also taken him away.

Lydia slowly approached Gabrielle and the two girls hugged and cried for a long time together. Gabrielle wanted closure for her parents and also wanted to protect Lydia so she did the only thing she could think of, her and Lydia carried her brother home. Not wanting to wake her parents, she laid him outside and covered him with flowers. She then turned to Lydia who asked through her tears if this was goodbye. Gabrielle looked back at her house, her past, and then turned to Lydia and could still only see her future. She took Lydia’s hand, kissed it and walked back into the forest with her love.

Rumours would eventually spread that Gabrielle and Henry had become the eleventh and twelfth victims of the witch from the forest. There was no grand search party this time; her parents were the only ones to go looking for her and even they gave up after a few weeks with no results. Her parents eventually moved away from the village, the memories of their children too painful to live with every day. Gabrielle missed her parents but she never regretted her decision to stay in the forest with Lydia. To some she was nothing but a witch, but to Gabrielle, she was everything.


Tuesday, January 24, 2017

I haven't rambled on here in a while

About a year and a half ago I wrote a long post wherein I came out to most of my friends and family. The post was unplanned and inspired by a conversation I had had with a former friend that didn't go exactly as planned. I was explaining to her that I am sexually and romantically attracted to women and, in my view, she questioned whether this was true. I was hurt and incredibly angry and at the time I blamed her for these feelings and shortly after our conversation I ended the friendship by deleting her phone number from my phone and removing her from all my social media. Now, looking back, I can see that I wasn't angry, I was confused, unsure, self conscious and terrified that she might be right.
For years I've known that on some level I am attracted to girls. I would get crushes on friends, imagine kissing them and dating them, but I didn't vocalise this and I only ever dated guys. Slowly I built a wall around myself mostly to keep people out. A few years ago I started breaking down the wall by slowly evaluating myself and last year I thought I had completely torn it down when I started to come out to people. I thought that was the hardest part. That after telling people that I like girls, everything would just fall into place.

What I didn’t expect when I started coming out was to feel so lost and confused. I thought that by finally accepting myself that self-confidence would follow. I thought I’d feel more like me. But instead I felt like an imposter; like a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I found myself googling “how to look more gay” to figure out how to express myself appropriately. I didn’t know how to be this “new” me but instead of figuring it out, I was trying to model myself around stereotypes and be who I thought people would think I should be.
I feel like my coming out was different  in that I didn’t have a fling with a girl or experiment in university, it was just something about myself that I’d always known so coming out was about accepting and exploring that side of me. At first I thought coming out was this amazing self-acceptance thing I had done for myself, but really it was just me trying to put a different label on myself. A label that I am still not sure really belongs. Coming out made me start to feel inauthentic.
To this day I still haven’t to this day kissed a girl, I’ve gone on dates, some better than others, I’ve fallen hard for girls, but still no kiss. The difference now is that it no longer bothers me. I used to feel like since I hadn’t really been with a girl it meant somehow I was less than everyone else in the LGBT+ community. Like I hadn’t passed a test or proven myself, and, if I’m completely honest, I was worried I wouldn’t pass a test if there was one to pass. I used to put all kinds of pressure on myself. I would do stupid things like sit on the subway and stare at every girl and tell myself that I had to be sexually attracted to her because if not, it meant I was lying, that I wasn’t really gay. Side note, that’s just ridiculous; I have never been attracted to ALL men so why did I think it was my job to be attracted to ALL women. I also used to punish myself if I thought a guy was good looking. I would internally tell myself I wasn’t good enough to be part of the LBGT+ community. I was just overall in a bad place and incredibly confused about how I was supposed to act.
I don’t know when it changed, or even why, but lately I have started giving myself a pass. I stopped trying to label myself. I don’t know if lesbian fits since I in the past have been attracted to men, but straight doesn’t fit either since I am currently attracted to women. I call myself queer, which to me means “not straight”. I’ve stopped trying to force myself to be attracted to every woman I see on the street and in doing so found one that I am quite attracted to. I let myself off the hook. I realized that there is no right way to be queer. There is no magic test and experience doesn’t make you authentic, your feelings do. I’m not stressed about my first kiss with a girl anymore because I’m not letting it be my first queer experience; it will be my first kiss with whomever that person happens to be. The kiss won’t define who I am, only I can define who I am and how I’m feeling and even that is allowed to change daily, weekly, monthly, or annually. I don’t know, I just feel like I found me and I am comfortable with my sexuality, for possibly the first time in my life.
This feeling of being ok is what made me want to reach out to this former friend. I wanted to explain to her that I wasn’t mad at her but that at the time I was scared. I had been questioning my sexuality and I was trying to fit into a box and she was questioning whether I fit into the one in front of me. I should have been more understanding but I was hurt, confused and worried about whether she was right. I can’t communicate any of this to her; I was so wrapped up in my own frustrations and fears that I wasn’t supportive of her in her own time of need and our friendship was damaged beyond repair. I regret how I acted and I wish I could go back and maybe just talk to her more, explain my feelings, listen to her thoughts and be open to new ways of looking at life. Then again hind sight is 20/20.
I have no real reason for posting this on my blog. It’s mostly me rambling to someone who doesn’t want to listen, but maybe there is someone out there struggling with what it means to be queer or to come out, and maybe they can learn from my mistakes. You don’t need all the answers right away, there is no right way to be or to express yourself and questioning who you are and what you want from life is normal and it doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human. Like everyone else.