Here's my top 40, whats yours????

Anyone who knows me knows that I LOVE checklists; I've had a few Bucket Lists since seeing the movie in 2007. There's something so cathartic about crossing items of a list, it makes you feel goal oriented and accomplished at the same time. It is because of my love of checklist that I found myself listing my mid-range goals to a friend earlier today; nothing too extreme, just owning a house with a real bedroom, something to call my own. I realized that I have a lot of big, and small, dreams but I've never actually written them down, so that's what I am doing now. Below is a list of 40 experiences, goals, trips and other things I want to do before I turn 40.

The ONLY rule: While I do want to get married, settle down, have a discussion about whether kids are in my future, I can only control these things halfway. Accomplishing these goals means I have to meet someone first and I can't control when, or whether, that will happen. Instead this list is comprised of things that are entirely within my control. Ten years from now, when I look back, I'll only have myself to blame if something isn't done.

Realistically speaking I will probably lose interest in at least a couple of these things in the next ten years so I may end up updating this list from time to time. What's important is that on my 40th birthday I will be able to hold whatever version of this list I have at that time and know that in the previous ten years, I had 40 great moments.

I've already crossed off the first item, so that leaves me just under nine and a half years to accomplish the remaining 39. It's going to be an exciting decade!!

My own personal TOP 40 Hits:

1. Come out
2. Own property/have a bedroom
3. Go cage diving in Guadalupe
4. Have my " Breakfast at Tiffany's" moment in New York City
5. Have a Harry Potter marathon weekend
6. Get the heart and "Noseworthy" tattoos
7. Buy a car
8. Buy a Fossil watch
9. Buy a real couch
10. Write a novel (it doesn't need to be published)
11. Run a marathon
12. Learn to skate
13. Learn to play ice hockey
14. Go to Philadelphia and run up the "Rocky stairs" with the music, obviously
15. Lose 40 pounds
16. Go to an Ed Sheeran concert
17. Go see an IIHF World Juniors tournament abroad
18. Go on a portage trip in Algonquin park
19. Do a creative writing course
20. Host a holiday family dinner in my new house
21. Pay down my consumer debt
22. Go to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Florida
23. Go to ComicCon
24. Go to VidCon
25. Read all of the A Song of Ice and Fire books (Game of Thrones)
26. Take a painting class
27. Go to Toronto Pride
28. Go watch x-Games Aspen (though how cool would it be to participate!)
29. See a playoff game in Pittsburgh
30. Visit San Francisco
31. Start doing Yoga weekly
32. See a play on Broadway in New York City
33. Go to a taping of Last Week Tonight in New York
34. Drink Champagne in Paris
35. See orcas in the wild
36. Go on an African safari
37. Go see a football game at Michigan Stadium (The "Big House")
38. Join a rec sports team, and don't quit before the end of the season
39. Sing Karaoke (without lip syncing)
40. Love and accept myself for who I am

My TIFF15 and a celebration of 40 years of bringing amazing movies to Toronto

This year marked my fifth time volunteering for the Toronto International Film Festival (TIFF) and if
I've learned anything in the past four years, it's how to cram in as many movies and experiences as I can. This year was particularly intense with approximately 48 volunteer hours, 4 vacation days from work, 3 days in the office, two weekends and 16 movies in 10 days! That's a lot of movies, even for me...

I've been asked by friends which movies I would recommend so I thought why not provide you all with my thoughts, recommendations and ratings on the movies I was able to cram into this festival. I will be writing this trying to avoid spoilers, I will not be divulging any crucial plot points, just giving my thoughts on the overall movies; that being said, some people are extremely cautious about what content they consume before seeing movies, so this is your official spoiler warning. Where possible I have also hyperlinked the title so you can watch the trailer.

Brooklyn: This movie was high on my "must see" list heading into the festival so I was thrilled when it was the surprise pre-screening for returning volunteers. Set in the 1950s Saoirse Ronan is absolutely charming as Eilis Lacey, a young Irish woman entering the United for the first time. I loved the contrast between Emory Cohen the lovable yet clumsy Italian man she meets in Brooklyn and Domhnall Gleeson who plays a strapping Irish man intent on showing her how good life in Ireland can be. It's the perfect story about a woman caught between two worlds and it doesn't matter which ones she picks, you can't help but root for her.

Land of Mine: An intense movie with a clever title, this one started my festival with a bang, sometimes literally. This Danish movie focuses on a group of teen German soldiers who are not only forced to clear landmines from the Danish countryside but are denied basic human needs like proper care and food. It muddles the idea of hero and villain in the aftermath of one of the worst wars the world had ever seen and focuses on the complexity of human interaction. An excellent movie, but one you might want to avoid if, like me, stressful situations cause you anxiety. It’s a beautifully shot movie, but the director does these close-up shots of the teens’ trembling hands as they attempt to diffuse the landmines and OMG I had to cover my eyes or pace around the back of the theatre more than a few times. Even if you don’t like movies with subtitles, I have to highly recommend this one, you become so involved in these boys’ lives you will forget you are reading their dialogue and become entranced with the movie. This one set the bar high to start off the festival, good job TIFF.

London Road: This movie seemed to be getting rave reviews during the festival with people praising it as artistic, and, maybe I just tired from having volunteered for an 8 hour shift, but I did not enjoy it at all. It is the film adaptation of a musical based on a serial killer in Ipswich who murdered five prostitutes between October and December 2006. It’s weird enough having a musical about serial murders, but the songs were written from the actual transcripts of the convicted killers neighbors before, during and after the trial resulting in weird timing and lines being repeated awkwardly throughout the songs. The screenwriter said during the Q&A that she wanted to focus on the neighborhood coming back together after the murders as opposed to the murders themselves meaning that I never really connected with the story; it was just weird scenes about planning street parties and planting gardens, with prostitutes off in the distance talking about their clients. If you’re interested in a story about the Ipswich murders, I suggest maybe a documentary that actually discusses the murders, and if you are looking for a movie adaptation of a musical, I suggest “The Last Five Years” which played at TIFF last year. I wouldn’t recommend this movie unless awkward singing and repetitive lines are your thing.

I saw the Light: This movie is basically 2015’s version of I Walk the Line. It tells the story of country singer Hank Williams, portrayed by Tom Hiddleston, and his various struggles with women and alcohol. I had the same issue with this movie that I had with Walk the Line, they tried to cram in too much of his life story into a film. The movie feels like it drags at times, and yet nothing is explored deeply, everything feels very surface level at best. While the story is lacking, I would definitely recommend his movie on Hiddleston’s performance alone. His southern accent is perfection and his singing is phenomenal. I’ve always preferred Loki to Thor, and now, without a doubt, I prefer Hiddleston to Chris Hemsworth.

About Ray: The first of the LGBT movies I saw at TIFF About Ray is the moving story of a transgender teenage boy’s journey to become his authentic self. I loved this movie, I found it thought provoking, charming, and heartwarming. As a cis female I can’t comment on the authenticity of the story, but I am encouraged that more filmmakers are choosing to discuss these stories. I loved Naomi Watts and Susan Sarandon's performances, and Elle Fanning was great as Ray, I just hope that eventually transgendered actors will be chosen to portray their struggles on film because really, who could tell the story better than someone who is currently living it.

The Danish Girl: After watching a Female to Male (FTM) transition in About Ray, I ran into the rush line to catch Eddie Redmayne play Lili Elbe in the beautifully told Male to Female (MTF) transition in the Danish Girl. In 2014 I fell in love with Redmayne as he took on the role of Stephen Hawking and he's outdone himself once again. This movie is filled with so many amazing moments, my favourite of which is when Lili explains to a friend that God made her a woman, the doctor is just helping shed her male exterior. Lili is vulnerable, beautiful and forever full of hope and the nuances Redmayne brings to the character are amazing. As with The Theory of Everything, the chemistry between Redmayne is Alicia Vikander is what makes this movie go from good to great. I would argue that Vikander, who portrays Lili's wife Gerda Wegener before her transition, outshines Redmayne and steals many of their scenes. I had never heard of Vikander before this movie, but I definitely think I will be hearing more of her name in the future, maybe around Oscar time.

He Named Me Malala: If, like me, you love Malala and her story, you will enjoy this movie. I just finished reading her book and I definitely think you can enjoy both separately since they both tell very different stories. Whereas her book focuses more on the politics of the area and her role in defending education for women and speaking out against the Taliban, which led to her being shot, the movie focuses mostly on the aftermath of the attack. I love the way director David Guggenheim mixed real world shots with animation but my favourite part of the movie is that it focuses on Malala the girl and not just the activist. The most touching parts of the movie to me were the interactions with her family, especially her youngest brother. If, again like me, you cry easily, I would probably bring Kleenex for this one.

Freeheld: This is the movie I was most excited to see and, despite the mediocre reviews I've seen so far, I left feeling moved, encouraged, heartbroken, happy, and just about every other emotion on the spectrum. Not only have I had a crush on Ellen Page since Juno, this movie was personally very important to me (if confused, see my previous post). Stacie and Laurel teach us that love is love and as humans, we all deserve equality and respect. My favourite part of this movie is watching Laurel and Stacie fall in love at the beginning, it's a story about two women challenging injustice, but at the beginning it was just two people falling in love. It's an important story to tell, they helped the LGBT community gain traction in their fight for equality, but at its core, this is a love story with a tragic ending. I cried, sometimes just a few tears, sometimes ugly crying, so bring lots of Kleenex, oh and bring your family and friends too, this is a story I think everyone should see.

Beasts of No Nation: I liked this movie, but seeing it the morning after Freeheld might have been a mistake, I am not sure I was emotionally prepared for this story. It's about a civil war in Africa told through the eyes of the young Agu which adds innocence to the story. Filmed in Ghana, the landscape is beautiful, a stark contrast to the violence, blood, drugs and murder depicted onscreen. Idris Elba is mesmerizing as the Commandant of the army who takes the young Agu under his wing, but he is outshone by Abraham Attah who portrays Agu. Agu's transformation is tragic, in the beginning he is young, innocent, a bit of a trouble maker and a smartass but by the end the war has ravaged not only his home but his spirit and you wonder if the innocent boy can ever come back. While difficult to watch and horrifically violent in parts, there's a hope to the ending that is often missing from wartime movies and, if you enjoy stories of conflict, war and human complexity, you definitely don't want miss this one.

Being Charlie: This movie wasn't even on my radar heading into the festival, but, one the perks of volunteering at the Elgin/Winter Garden theatre is that, if there’s room, you get to watch the movies. This is the story of Charlie, a teenager battling both addiction and his father's best intentions as he runs for public office. The cast is phenomenal with the likes of Cary Elwes, Common, Susan Misner and Nick Robinson who plays Charlie, but the real winner in this movie is the honesty with which it is told. The writers Nick Reiner and Matt Elisofan met in rehab and used their own personal experiences to craft the story which was directed by Nick's father Rob Reiner. You can sense the love that went into this project and everything about the story feels genuine, from the heartbreak to the jokes. As much as I loved the movie, nothing will top the Q&A afterwards. Listening to Nick and Rob talk about how cathartic creating this movie was and how it helped them get their relationship back on track felt like a once in a lifetime experience, and their hug onstage at the end was the cherry on top.

Trumbo: As a politics enthusiast this movie appealed to me on so many levels, not to mention that it starred Bryan Cranston, I mean who doesn't miss seeing Walter White on their screen every week. This movie tells the story of Dalton Trumbo, a very successful screenwriter who was blacklisted for being a member of the communist party in the 1940s. While it was interesting to watch Trumbo work around the blacklist, from writing screenplays and winning the Oscars for both Roman Holiday and The Brave One to finally getting his name on the Sparticus script as the official screenwriter as the blacklist era finally ended, it was truly heartbreaking when you realized how widespread the damage of this time was for regular people. Families were literally torn apart, people were bankrupt and in some cases, people were committing suicide because the House of Un-American Activities Committee had seemingly endless power. If you like politics and historical movies, this is definitely a story you will enjoy, just be prepared to hate Helen Mirren.

Family Fang: Another movie directed by and starring Jason Bateman, Family Fang tells the story of a highly dysfunctional family. Starring Nicole Kidman and Christopher Walken this isn't your typical Jason Bateman movie; there are definitely funny moments but for the most part this is a story about a brother and sister helping each other grow up after a rather abnormal childhood. This movie subtlety discusses the difference between fame and infamy and what happens when art goes too far and those around you get hurt. This movie was quirky and, despite its star power, had a nice indie vibe to it, but it’s also easy to forget; it sort of fell short for me. I had a good time, but when I walked out of the theatre my mind quickly moved on to other things.  

People vs Fritz Bauer: This movie is about the struggle to bring German Nazi's to justice following World War II, lead mainly by Jewish District Attorney Fritz Bauer. I knew very little about the aftermath of the war in Germany before watching so I found this movie fascinating. More than being about the war, this movie dissects human behavior; it was disheartening to watch people try to save themselves by letting high ranking officials remain at large. This movie focused mainly on Adolf Eichmann but the same political tactics were being used to keep all high ranking Nazi officials at large, or out of prison. The fear was that they would name accomplices who were currently enjoying their freedom, so this very much was each person looking out for themselves. I love movies that require critical thinking and where there are no easy answers and this movie had that in spades. When the general public in Germany just wanted to move on and forget the atrocities of the worst war in human history, how can you get them on your side in your effort to bring about justice? Fritz Bauer certainly wasn’t going to give up and this account of his story is spellbinding from the first scene. 

Dressmaker: This is a quirky Australian movie starring Kate Winslet as Myrtle “Tilly” Dullage who returns home to a very small town in rural Australia. Her departure as child was quite controversial so she’s not exactly welcomed with open arms; at least not until her dressmaking ability transforms the usually drab women in town into beautiful, confident, sophisticated beings. This story starts out adorably quirky and the eccentric Sergeant Farrat, portrayed by Hugo Weaving, is one of the greatest characters I’ve ever seen on film, but towards the end the tone noticeably changes and you are left asking if you are watching the same movie, but in the best possible way. I also love that they cast Liam Hemsworth as Winslet’s love interest. Yes there is a 15 year age difference between them making it absurd that they would have been the same age growing up, but how many times has Hollywood given us movies where the men are 10, 15, 20 years older than their female co-stars and no one bats an eye, so to this I say “Good on ya Kate”. 

Equals: There were two Nicholas Hoult movies playing at TIFF this year and I think I picked the wrong one. Another dystopian movie, in this one the citizens of the future are void of all human emotion. Social interaction is kept to a minimum and reproduction has become a function of survival as opposed to a social construct. You’d think a movie where Kristen Stewart was supposed to be void of all human emotion would be right up her alley and yet I still cringed for many of her scenes. I read that the director was set on Hoult and Stewart playing the leads in this movie and I am not sure why, there seemed to be very little chemistry between the two and their scenes felt awkward and forced. Then again maybe that is just Kristen Stewart’s acting, as you can see I am not a fan of hers. This was an ok movie, very typical of the genre, if you really want to see if, I would wait until it’s available on Netflix. 

Mr. Right: I love love loved this movie! Perfect movie to close out the festival for me! Starring two of my favourites Anna Kendrick (the only good actor to come out of the Twilight series) and the ever charming Sam Rockwell. Unlike Hoult and Stewart, Kendrick and Rockwell have amazing chemistry and they play the quirky couple perfectly. This movie is awkward yet charming, strange yet typical and really just a good time. I’m not giving away any other tidbits on this one though; part of its charm is that the movie is different from what you are expecting, so really, just go see it!

And that’s it for my TIFF experience this year. I know this post is really late, it’s been almost a month since TIFF, but luckily most of these movies haven’t yet been released so there is still time for you to check them out!  

People say I'm a marshmallow

I’ve debated posting this article for a long time mostly because I am afraid of the judgement I may receive but also because I don’t know whether I want something this personal out there about me. I keep telling myself that I have accepted myself, but I am not sure how true that is; I’m worried that I am an embarrassment to friends and family, that I am letting them down, that their hopes and dreams for me have been crushed, and crushed by something I can’t change. I think mostly I am afraid of the people who will think “I don’t care but I don’t want to hear about it, why can’t it be something you do behind closed doors, why do I need to know about it or read about it”; stuff that people never said back when I was pretending I wanted to fall in love with a guy and get married and have kids. It was hard enough telling people I didn’t know if I was ever going to have kids, I got a lot of grief from friends who hadn’t taken the time to get to know me and were telling me that I just hadn’t met the right guy yet and when I did I would want kids, that I just didn’t know what I was talking about. So I am freaking out right now, I have been freaking out for a long time, but maybe it’s time to come clean, this is who I really am…

As many people who follow me on Facebook probably noticed, a few weeks ago I posted a couple pictures that clearly indicate that I am attracted to women. I am sure most people were surprised; I know the ones I told beforehand all were, hell even I was surprised when I finally looked in the mirror about six months ago and said it out loud for the first time. This post is my way of answering some of the questions I’ve been asked, but also a way for me to sort through these feelings myself. I have been dealing with them head on for about a year now, but I am still not quite sure what it all means.

So… I like girls. What does that mean? Besides those three little words, I am not entirely sure myself. I mean I’ve only ever had relationships with guys, and, up until a few months ago, I only ever talked about crushes on guys. But I’ve come to realize that for as long as I can remember I’ve also had feelings for girls. It started when I was younger, I can remember thinking that actresses in movies were really pretty and I wondered what it would be like to kiss them; as I got older, I realized that some of my most fulfilling relationships have been with girl friends, and again, in some cases, I wondered what it would be like to kiss them. For the most part I rationalized these feelings. I told myself that I only thought about being with girls because I had either never been with a guy or because I had been single for so long that I just forgot what it was like to be with a guy. Sometimes I even told myself that all girls must feel this way; that, just because I was occasionally attracted to my friends, didn’t mean I was gay or bisexual, I just hadn’t found the “right guy” yet.

This actually kind of leads me to one of the questions I was asked a few times when I told friends, namely that I always said I would never date a girl. You know what, they’re right, I did say I would never be with a girl, a lot, I repeated it out loud to friends, but more often, I told myself, over and over again in my head. In reality, it wasn’t that I didn’t want to date girls; it was that I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I wanted to be with them and I think I figured if I denied it enough, maybe I could make the feelings go away. Every time I said out loud to a friend that I didn’t want to be with girls, or that I didn’t understand the attractions girls had to each other, I had probably just spent the previous 20 minutes picturing myself with a girl.

The second common question is that I’ve only ever had relationships with guys. If I’m completely honest, I don’t think any of my relationships with guys were ever truly fulfilling, mentally or physically. I’ve always felt like I was there to make them happy, I always tried to satisfy their needs and never really thought about what I needed. I pictured myself as their girlfriend not my own person, I never made demands, I never stood up for myself, never tried to dig too deep. I was afraid to really look at the relationship, I had someone and I never had to think too far beyond that.

My most recent long term relationship started out great, I was attracted to him, we seemed to get along great and I was genuinely happy, for the first year or so at least. Gradually I started to notice how unhappy I was in almost all aspects of our relationships and it scared the crap out of me, he was the first guy I had really had a connection with that wasn’t puppy love, he challenged me and seemed to understand me, but I couldn’t deny that something was missing. As these feelings grew, I started to get paranoid about losing him; our relationship stopped being about two people connecting and started to be me hanging on to him while he tried to escape and dig himself out of the hole I was trying to dig. I didn’t want to admit I wasn’t happy, I didn’t want to admit I was thinking about some of my girl friends because if I couldn’t make it work with him, could I ever make it work with a guy. I was devastated when it ended, I didn’t want to deal with anything I had been feeling, so gradually I numbed myself, got used to living alone and started to think maybe I don’t need anyone. For the last 4-5 years I genuinely started to think maybe life would be easier alone than admitting that I wanted to be with a girl. I started to look at my life differently, kids were off the table, but I would have adventures and that would make me happy, only that too didn’t last, and, here we are today.

I wish I had admitted all this to myself a long time ago, I wouldn’t have wasted so many years, but the important thing is that I am admitting it now. I have always believed in equal rights for everyone, I have always fought hard against any kind of bigotry, and yet it took me years to accept myself. Life sure can be interesting sometimes. I have a friend who always preaches that perfection isn’t what’s important, progress is what matters and that’s what I am trying to do now. I am by no means perfect, but I am no longer ignoring this part of me that exists, I am exploring my feelings openly, I am trying new things, and I’ve even recently had a crush on a girl who actually likes girls, so if that’s not progress I don’t know what is. I can’t predict the future, I wish I could, but I do know that right now when I think 5, 10 even 15 years out, I picture myself with a girl, and for now that’s enough.

The last thing I need to address is religion. I have had family members express concern over my soul, and, while it was not unexpected and it comes from a place of love, I can’t deny that it hurts to hear. So for family members and friends who are concerned about my soul or my place in your heaven, you don’t need to worry about me. I am working towards becoming my most authentic self and for the first time I’m not lying to myself. Yes this is scary to admit, yes it is even sometimes a little embarrassing, which is why I didn’t talk about it with everyone and why some of you are reading about it here instead of hearing it directly from me, but I am certain that it’s not wrong. If God is real, He made me this way and I’d like to be believe that He is happy I am finally exploring the complex emotions that He has given me. This is who I am in my very core, and if I can love me, and my friends and family can love me, then I would like to think your God can love me too.