People say I'm a marshmallow

I’ve debated posting this article for a long time mostly because I am afraid of the judgement I may receive but also because I don’t know whether I want something this personal out there about me. I keep telling myself that I have accepted myself, but I am not sure how true that is; I’m worried that I am an embarrassment to friends and family, that I am letting them down, that their hopes and dreams for me have been crushed, and crushed by something I can’t change. I think mostly I am afraid of the people who will think “I don’t care but I don’t want to hear about it, why can’t it be something you do behind closed doors, why do I need to know about it or read about it”; stuff that people never said back when I was pretending I wanted to fall in love with a guy and get married and have kids. It was hard enough telling people I didn’t know if I was ever going to have kids, I got a lot of grief from friends who hadn’t taken the time to get to know me and were telling me that I just hadn’t met the right guy yet and when I did I would want kids, that I just didn’t know what I was talking about. So I am freaking out right now, I have been freaking out for a long time, but maybe it’s time to come clean, this is who I really am…

As many people who follow me on Facebook probably noticed, a few weeks ago I posted a couple pictures that clearly indicate that I am attracted to women. I am sure most people were surprised; I know the ones I told beforehand all were, hell even I was surprised when I finally looked in the mirror about six months ago and said it out loud for the first time. This post is my way of answering some of the questions I’ve been asked, but also a way for me to sort through these feelings myself. I have been dealing with them head on for about a year now, but I am still not quite sure what it all means.

So… I like girls. What does that mean? Besides those three little words, I am not entirely sure myself. I mean I’ve only ever had relationships with guys, and, up until a few months ago, I only ever talked about crushes on guys. But I’ve come to realize that for as long as I can remember I’ve also had feelings for girls. It started when I was younger, I can remember thinking that actresses in movies were really pretty and I wondered what it would be like to kiss them; as I got older, I realized that some of my most fulfilling relationships have been with girl friends, and again, in some cases, I wondered what it would be like to kiss them. For the most part I rationalized these feelings. I told myself that I only thought about being with girls because I had either never been with a guy or because I had been single for so long that I just forgot what it was like to be with a guy. Sometimes I even told myself that all girls must feel this way; that, just because I was occasionally attracted to my friends, didn’t mean I was gay or bisexual, I just hadn’t found the “right guy” yet.

This actually kind of leads me to one of the questions I was asked a few times when I told friends, namely that I always said I would never date a girl. You know what, they’re right, I did say I would never be with a girl, a lot, I repeated it out loud to friends, but more often, I told myself, over and over again in my head. In reality, it wasn’t that I didn’t want to date girls; it was that I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I wanted to be with them and I think I figured if I denied it enough, maybe I could make the feelings go away. Every time I said out loud to a friend that I didn’t want to be with girls, or that I didn’t understand the attractions girls had to each other, I had probably just spent the previous 20 minutes picturing myself with a girl.

The second common question is that I’ve only ever had relationships with guys. If I’m completely honest, I don’t think any of my relationships with guys were ever truly fulfilling, mentally or physically. I’ve always felt like I was there to make them happy, I always tried to satisfy their needs and never really thought about what I needed. I pictured myself as their girlfriend not my own person, I never made demands, I never stood up for myself, never tried to dig too deep. I was afraid to really look at the relationship, I had someone and I never had to think too far beyond that.

My most recent long term relationship started out great, I was attracted to him, we seemed to get along great and I was genuinely happy, for the first year or so at least. Gradually I started to notice how unhappy I was in almost all aspects of our relationships and it scared the crap out of me, he was the first guy I had really had a connection with that wasn’t puppy love, he challenged me and seemed to understand me, but I couldn’t deny that something was missing. As these feelings grew, I started to get paranoid about losing him; our relationship stopped being about two people connecting and started to be me hanging on to him while he tried to escape and dig himself out of the hole I was trying to dig. I didn’t want to admit I wasn’t happy, I didn’t want to admit I was thinking about some of my girl friends because if I couldn’t make it work with him, could I ever make it work with a guy. I was devastated when it ended, I didn’t want to deal with anything I had been feeling, so gradually I numbed myself, got used to living alone and started to think maybe I don’t need anyone. For the last 4-5 years I genuinely started to think maybe life would be easier alone than admitting that I wanted to be with a girl. I started to look at my life differently, kids were off the table, but I would have adventures and that would make me happy, only that too didn’t last, and, here we are today.

I wish I had admitted all this to myself a long time ago, I wouldn’t have wasted so many years, but the important thing is that I am admitting it now. I have always believed in equal rights for everyone, I have always fought hard against any kind of bigotry, and yet it took me years to accept myself. Life sure can be interesting sometimes. I have a friend who always preaches that perfection isn’t what’s important, progress is what matters and that’s what I am trying to do now. I am by no means perfect, but I am no longer ignoring this part of me that exists, I am exploring my feelings openly, I am trying new things, and I’ve even recently had a crush on a girl who actually likes girls, so if that’s not progress I don’t know what is. I can’t predict the future, I wish I could, but I do know that right now when I think 5, 10 even 15 years out, I picture myself with a girl, and for now that’s enough.

The last thing I need to address is religion. I have had family members express concern over my soul, and, while it was not unexpected and it comes from a place of love, I can’t deny that it hurts to hear. So for family members and friends who are concerned about my soul or my place in your heaven, you don’t need to worry about me. I am working towards becoming my most authentic self and for the first time I’m not lying to myself. Yes this is scary to admit, yes it is even sometimes a little embarrassing, which is why I didn’t talk about it with everyone and why some of you are reading about it here instead of hearing it directly from me, but I am certain that it’s not wrong. If God is real, He made me this way and I’d like to be believe that He is happy I am finally exploring the complex emotions that He has given me. This is who I am in my very core, and if I can love me, and my friends and family can love me, then I would like to think your God can love me too.